Oh God! I was browsing through my drafts [unpublished posts] and stumbled upon this post. I dont remember why i hadnt posted that. It was written on 12/18/06. I dont know why I lost that thing in me - thinking till i get exhausted. I dont know why I am so satisfied these days. I dont know why I feel that I've changed again. I dont know why I want live and love life. I just dont know why I am so happy. I dont know why, now i dont even want to know the reason. I have changed, and am happy!
There is always a never-ending itching feeling persisting in my self. whenever i think of anything, anything at all, the whole thinking business leaves me unsatisfied.. because, in the end, everything seems meaningless and unfathomable. (Maybe i'm a bad thinker! because thinking about this also leaves me inconclusive in the end :)).
Yeah, I exist and am Alive.. So what? Is it that big a deal? Can existence of 'some'thing or 'no'thing have this big a value? Why? Why is it important to feel the meaning of these words - "I Exist"? Doesnt it give rise to self importance? doesnt it kill the goodness in us? Because, (say) if i am in a sinking ship (poseidon!), i'll be more worried to save 'my' self more than anything else.
Love, hate, care, selfishness, altruism, joy, hurt...
maybe all these words cant really be differentiated.. maybe they are just dummy words used to strenghten the existence of these two words - "I Exist". Example: Love cant exist if there is no "I", and same goes for any other feeling. If "I" dont exist, then how will i know that 'love' exists or any other feeling for that matter?
All seem so justifiable and non-justifiable at the same time. Its all so confusing.
Yeah, I exist and am Alive.. So what? Is it that big a deal?
I exist because I was born (Its silly but is it false?). There many things and creatures that could have been born, but since they havnt taken birth, they dont exist. Its all in my hands to make my life big or small. There is always a choice. And if I dont make a choice, time will make it for me, because time doesnt wait for decisions to be made, it simply goes on and on. Its all about choice. The choice being: Having life is a big thing v/s many living things are also alive, so life is not a big deal. I choose the first choice.
Can existence of 'some'thing or 'no'thing have this big a value?
For me YES. Because even a small thing can influence our thinking and make us take decisions that we wouldnt have taken if they dint exist. Like, if in this world, pens hadnt been discovered, then I would have still used a pencil in the place of a pen (what a silly example!) But now again there a choice. The choice being: Everything has its own importance v/s Hunh? Value? Whats that?!
Why? Why is it important to feel the meaning of these words - "I Exist"?
The very fact that we exist is the reason why the meaning of these words - "I Exist" gain importance. Because, Life is a beautiful thing that happened to us. Yes, it is confusing sometimes, haunting sometimes, painful sometimes.. But still it is also fun, joy, happiness, love.. most of the times. Isnt existing a beautiful thing? I think it is. But now again there a choice...
But doesnt it give rise to self importance? doesnt it kill the goodness in us? Because, (say) if i am in a sinking ship (poseidon!), i'll be more worried to save 'my' self more than anything else.
Oh yes, It does give rise to self importance and no it doesnt kill goodness in us. Altruism takes birth when we place ourselves in the place of the person for whom we were going to do some 'good'. So when i am in a sinking ship, i cant place another drowning person in my place, because i am also already drowning! So since i already am in that position, i try to save 'My' self than anything else!
Maybe nothing is really wrong. Everything that is labelled 'wrong' has a justifiable reason behind it being NOT wrong, its simply pure statistics that goes against the justifiable reason, i.e, majority of the people are reluctant to accept that reason, and hence it becomes 'wrong'.
Oh great! So if i Steal, then i am doing no wrong?
YES! When i am stealing, i am stealing because either
- I am in dire need for it, and have no money to buy it.
- I have the money, but hell.. why should i waste my money when i can steal it!
- She stole that from me, she should know how if feels to lose something (revenge hunh?).
- Dont blame me.. i am kleptomaniac, so it is justified if i gen 'pick' up things!
Hey not bad! so i can go ahead and steal! right?
NO! What about the person from whom you stole?
- She must have worked so hard to get it.
- She must have been so happy to gain it and losing it may pain her.
- Oh! it was a gift from a person i value the most. How can anyone steal it? (sob)
- God! It was so expensive. It was my bro's and he's gonna kill me!
Wait! Then what am i supposed to do? Should I be self-oriented and go for the 'YES' or should I be good and go for the 'NO'? There is always a choice, and I choose the 'NO'. I choose this choice not because i'm good, but because i know how it feels to lose things.
There is always and always a choice. And a little part of life is to make a choice (own or forced) and live it till its existence is significant.
--Shruti
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