?

..and her eyes brimmed with tears..
What was i supposed to do? [It was heartbreaking to see her breakdown..]
Let those tears trickle down her cheeks? [Silence is the biggest support..]
Give her a napkin to wipe them off [damn.. why dont i keep a handkerchief?]
Silently listen to her and let her hurt herself more? [Is silence really THE biggest support?]

A Few minutes before..
..Chal yaar, Sky chaltein hain.. classroom ka atmosphere bahut ajeeb lag raha hai..
And we went to sky and after a lot of walking [though sky doest provide much scope for walking..], We finally spotted a place to sit and study. She was already looking a bit LOW so I dint ask her what the matter was.. But i wasnt able to see her that way!

A Few minutes later..
..tujhe pata hai kya shruti..
Phew! She told me "the matter" on her own.. It was stiffling me to see her like that [Did I want her to tell me.. for her? (so that she'd feel Light) OR for me? (to get rid of the stiffling feeling?)].. And we dint realise when the whole hour vaporised.. It was the matter that every human being experiences in the course of their life.. What was that matter?
.......Living!!.......

Strange are the ways of the world and Stranger still is the fact that people yet survive the strangeness!

..and her eyes brimmed with tears.. And what did I do?
I let her continue [its better sometimes to let the feelings flow..] and put my hand on her shoulder [Assumption: What works for me might work for others too..].. She wiped her cheeks and replied smilingly "I am Fine".. but obviously she was NOT <unfortunately>.. We discussed IT more and proceeded for the MMP [Methods of Mathematical Physics] class.. [She was smiling in the class.. Thank You Sir.. :)..]

After the discussion with her.. The Thing which I strongly felt being a hosteler [During the PS-I period] silently climbed up my mind and everything got refreshed [yes, it sounds pretty dramatic but this is what happened, as if something was reeling back the time and taking me in the past].

What is that thing?
As I wrote before> LIVING..
LIVING in a society v/s LIVING in ownself
Its so entirely different! We always feel that the world tends to see us in much different light than we see ourselves and they react according to what they see.

Well, I wont go into what we discussed [ofcourse 'cuz its personal.. and I dont have any right to exploit her right of secrecy].
So..

Signing off
Shruti

DEDICATED TO ME [CONTD]

<----deleted the previous post----->

My mind always wants me to jump over the boundaries that seperate ME and UNDERSTANDING.. But what could a BAD JUMPER like me do?

Well.. After the previous entry was made [on thursday], I kept pondering about that "Constraint Equations and my doubt" and realised that my understanding had faltered and hence THAT resulted in the doubt.. So now, Is that doubt cleared? Well, If my understanding dint falter AGAIN, then yes, it got cleared..

Well.. this now sets me thinking.. What are these doubts? hmm, according to me, Doubts are something that result due to incomplete knowledge and a big misconception that the [my] knowledge is complete in that regard. Be it be any kind of doubt [be it an academic doubt, or doubt on others or maybe self doubt..].. the above logic always holds true. Well, this gives rise to another DOUBT..

What is Knowledge?
I dont know! You tell me that "Shruti is spelled as S H R U T I" and since i Believe it, therefore now i have got acquainted with THIS Knowledge.
So is this what knowledge all about? Knowing a particular concept, Accepting it and then finally Believing it? Everything.. Everything in this world is a cluster of facts.. Every Experiment, Every Concept, ultimately reduces to a Packet of Facts.. So if i have a fraction of those facts embossed in my mind, does that make me knowlegdable [if I Know, Accept but NOT believe]?

--Shruti

...

Well, This is an assorted entry [where the next thought may not flow with the preceding idea] by a confused brain which is in an apprehensive mood right now.. Nibbling these thoughts may land one in a state of indigestion...

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CHANGE...
Why does one observe CONSTANT CHANGE in their being as time progresses? Is it

• To withstand the pressure of living up to this world's EXPECTATIONS?
• To win the vicious race in this COMPETITIVE WORLD?
• To be NORMAL in the world's eyes?
• Because the STANDARDS one set for themselves are not good enough to survive in this world? [OR maybe its the vice versa!]

All the constraints above have one common word: World!! Its as if a reference [/common base/ common ground] has been preset.
The Thinking Group in this World is also after all composed of humans who ARE different and do THINK differently!
That means, unfortunately everyone does DEVIATE [the inner self does!] from the NORMAL WORLD traits and does succumb to the CHANGE..

How true AM I to this WORLD [or rather TO ME?]...

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WHAT AM I?
I am the mirror image of what this world made me..
I am a mere refection of my outer shell to the world..
The world sees THE MIRROR..
that's holding MY REFLECTION and NOT ME
You try breaking THE MIRROR [to see the "real me"] and
You'll see.. The broken pieces breaking the REFLECTION and moving to infinity from the "real me"..

I am this World's Daughter.. this World's Sister.. this World's Cousin.. this World's Friend.. But am my ENEMY..

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PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!
I am a perfectly perfect example of a perfectly imperfect species.. So, am mad at myself.. Cant blame anyone for my condition AND that irritates me even more.. I truly am MY ENEMY..

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STARE..
Assume I am being Stared at.. People say Staring is Wrong.. Why? Because..

• Something is wrong with me?
  Lets say, i am weirdly dressed!! So what? Is weirdly dressing wrong? What if i DONT find it weird.. Maybe I find YOU weirdly dressed!! Its as simple as me liking BITTER GOURD and you hating it!
  Perception! Different for different people..
  So this possiblity is striken off..
• Something is wrong with the starer?
  Why? The starer is simply either ADMIRING[Something beautiful to his/her taste] or AMUSING HIMSELF/HERSELF [by enjoyin the weirdness visible to his/her eyes].. What is wrong in harmless fun? oops! This possibility also vanished..

So is Staring Wrong?
I STARE AT A TREE.. DOES IT FEEL NAKED IN MY PRESENCE? DOES IT SHY OUT WHEN I STARE AT IT? NO!! IT GIVES ME SOLACE.. IT SOOTHES ME.. IT IRONS OUT ALL MY TENSION LINES..
So.. Is Staring Wrong...

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I love being my enemy!

Shruti...
--17/06/06

LISTEN..

There is so much to hear..
--World space satellite's one liner..

Shruti

LOST..

*A Small Poem written during a free hour*

I look up and there I see..
Branching leaves, above my head..
Shadows swaying, beneath my feet..
Patches of sunlight, on the ground..
And I know..
That I am lost


I walk fast and I walk straight..
Thick mystic bushes, mark my path..
Dense thorny branches, unlock my wounds..
Then my path, splits into many..
And I know..
That I am lost


I look straight and choose a way..
Crawling snakes, make that way..
And that way, leads me on..
Then I see, a dark damp tunnel..
And I know..
That I am lost


I walk fast and enter the tunnel..
Glowing hands, beckon me to the other end..
And I know..
That there is HOPE
And NOW I know..
That I am NOT lost....

I really think that i still am confused about what i want to do in Future..


Signin off..
Shruti..