Wants

I want to live life

When was the last time I actually felt good about myself? God.. I dont even remember!
All the time, My eyes see me through my failures making me believe that, "Yes.. my incapablities are larger in number than my capabalities". So what? Maybe I am incapable when it comes to things that are beyond my comprehension. Does that make me an incapable person? No! I maybe be better at other things. So what, If I am bad in some things? I want to feel good about myself.

'Why dint I think of it before' is a question of no consequence because its a thing of past and living in past is of no help (as they say 'live in your present' and 'learn from the past'). Ever since I came know that I can think, I idealised everything, because idealisation was always easier to understand and made more sense. But what was the result? I got lost in those idealisations trying to link them with the real world. Always wanted things to be predictable and work how I want them to. But the real world is much more beautiful without these idealisations.. Its much more than these idealisations.. I want to chuck those idealisations.

Its been so long since I've been wanting to go back in past (PS I actually) where I thought I was much more productive. Why had I been wanting to go back? Because I miss the self-dependence, the independence, the beautiful nature... blah blah blah.. Why? Why cant I be productive here? Why cant I be self-dependent here? Its simply that I've been living with the excuses that reside in me as truths. Are these the truths? Yes- If I believe that and No- If I overcome them. I want to overcome them.

Its been so long since I've been thinking about Reality, Changes, Perception, Pretense.... Why? Why do I need to think about them? Why create more idealisations? My mom always says "Shruti, Why do you think so much, Be more Practical".. Maybe I really am not practical! My mom is so inspiring. She is so so simple, so tension-free, so calm, so serene.. the reason which she gave me was "I take things as they come.. I dont think much". I dint believe her then (I actually thought 'how is that possible?') but now I do. She is much more a happier person this way. I want to be happy.

Reality.. Thought about it a lot.. but was never able to comprehend the complexities that make Reality. Why again, Why do I want to understand it? Why cant I just accept things? Of course, I can. But choose not to. Why would I want to prefer Complexities over Simplicity? I dont.. But this precisely what I have been doing! I want to be Simple and be a believer of Simplicity.

Well, till the time my mind again gets any more strange ideas, I want to believe in the Reality my five senses (+ the sixth sense - intution) perceive. Yes, This set of senses may be the same for every living thing on earth but the experience created is very different. This doesnt mean that these experiences are illusions. They are as real as the belief that "I" exist. Reality is an integration of my reality, your reality, bruno's reality, a snake's reality and the reality of every thing living and non-living. We are really lucky to be able to see reality everyday, every instant. So what, if its incomplete? (Its incomplete because I'm not IR sensitive - a snake's reality) Its incomplete.. but its not an illusion. (Illusion - This is what I thought first.. but i dont believe that anymore because I am happier without this belief). I want to believe in Reality.

I want to live life the way my 5 senses want me to live. I want to live in the real world. I want to live the life of Present Shruti and not of the Past Shruti. I want to love me. I want to free myself from the self imposed constraints. I want to live in Reality.. in the Real Reality.

I want to live life.

--Shruti