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Thursday, November 22, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
Latched
She unlatched the door, went in and latched it from the inside.
The water was warm enough, warm enough for her to take bath in the cold winter evening. The day was too busy, her shoulders were aching, eyes were sore and hands were tired beyond limits.
She went inside the bathtub, there was no cork, there never was. She closed the tap, the bucket was full, the water was warm... no, it was hot. She untied her hair, and fixed her grip on the closed tap. She took head bath.
She was free now. Atleast for a few days. She had taken leave to attend her college friend, Mita's marriage. It was a long time since she'd met her, just a few mails... roughly twice in 4 months is all they exchanged in last 3 years. They'd been "best" of friends then, they'd been roommates, shared everything... joys, sorrows, jokes. They'd shared their world... Mita's world. She remembered how Mita had been back then, so lively, smart and pretty.
She had a way with words, could keep anyone engaged in a conversation for hours long, she could go on and on talking about anything. She was a very enthusiastic girl and used to laugh so very often, no wonder she had a huge fan following. When teased about it, she used to just say "Me and him? Its like a princess and a hippo!". For Mita, crushes were like flavours, you need to try as many as possible without getting addicted to any, and if you find yourself not getting bored of a particular taste, then, that's the flavour for you! She didnt like Mita's attitude, told her how many hearts she'd break with this funda of hers, but Mita always used to say "You take life too seriously, take off your glasses and clear your view, untie your hair and let it fly, break the barrier girl, what's with you and your cold nature? I sometimes wonder, if you fake that you dont have any feelings, or are you actually this cold to people!". She'd just laugh and say "Haha Mita, hasnt god given my share of warmth to you? As you say, Lite lo! We've got an assignment to submit, remember? Will get back to it now!". Mita would jump in her own bed and say "I'll copy your assignment tomorrow, am off to sleep, I guess you can only fall in love with your assignments, atleast take off your goddam grandma glasses, you look really horrible in them, get designer ones".
Designer ones... now she'd gotten rid of her grandma glasses, wore contact lenses now. Yes, she'd changed in these three years, as in, her looks, the way she interacted with people, her boosted professional attitude, but from the inside, she was still the same... as Mita put it... cold... not to herself... but cold... to people. Mita never discovered that. Nobody did. She just wasnt verbose enough when it came to her self.
Mita's wedding, she wasnt very excited about it. Just that she got a break, it felt nice. There was no hurry. She decided to enjoy her bath. No hurry at all. She refilled her bucked with water. She sat cross-legged in her bathtub and dipped her hands and elbows in the water. Water was warm-hot.
It was burning her skin a little. Did she really mind? She actually felt nice, it was cold outside. Naah, not that cold, it was just the onset of winter. Not that cold. But she felt nice, her hands gradually became warmer. She kept staring at her hands, how funny they looked, once inside the water, waving, getting distorted by the water ripples, getting wrinkled... she felt her hands... her palms getting numb, they no longer felt warm. Equillibrium. Damn! She hated it. She hated it cuz she didnt understand it. She didnt understand why at all should there be uniformity. Should she be like Mita? Why? What is nature's problem if her hands stayed colder than the water here? Why cant it let it be? Was she angry? Angry at nature? No, she wasnt, infact, this wasnt even bothering her. Why did she always escape? Why didnt Mita try to dig her as hard as she did with Mita? Why was she so cold to people? Why, couldnt she open up to Mita? Mita was a good friend, who never laughed at anyone, she was not a sadist like others in her wing. Mita had tried to pull her out of herself, but had failed. That was because, she herself always had put the thought away, she always convinced herself that the person she wanted didnt exist.
But he did. She felt her back getting cold. She pulled her elbows out of the water, crossed them over each other and placed her head over her right arm. Her face was cold. She touched her neck, it was colder. Or was it that her palms were warm? As if she cared. She placed her arms back in the water and dipped her head in the water. It was all translucent, she could barely see her palms. A few strands of hair fell in the water. She was getting breathless, so lifted her head and took a deep breath. A few locks of hair still remained in the water, she looked at them. How funny they looked. Once inside the water, they wouldnt stay together, but the same water glued them together outside. She saw how her hair "flew" in the water. She gently touched a few "flying" strands, they simply "flew" more. It was funny but amusing. She felt free. Is this what Mita meant? No. Mita didnt talk of this freedom, Mita didnt even know if this kind of a freedom existed. Or, did she? She didnt care now. She felt synonymous with the way her hair behaved in presence of water. She would free herself to herself once inside, she would fly when nobody's around, but outside, she'd stick back to one piece and be the predictable and productive one. She didnt want to think about him. Why should she? After 3 years, when she didnt even know where he was, what he was doing... she did want to think about him. He had touched her where nobody ever did and she wondered if anybody ever could. It had taken her quite a while to talk to him, to laugh with him, to actually like him, perhaps a whole year. Did that matter anyways? He had beautiful thoughts, beautiful stories to tell, nobody could ever touch and stimulate her mind like he did. Yes, she talked with him almost as much as she did with Mita, but there always was a barrier. She was always very controlled with him as well.
Sometimes she felt the strange tension developing between them, but then, she would just turn oblivious to it. Did he too? Did he like her? Maybe he did like her, and she did too, but like a true friend. Who was she kidding? The wait. Perhaps it was too long. He was a beautiful person, not with striking looks, as Mita used to comment when all three used to gen put lacha "I would've made you my boyfriend, if you looked better". He used to say "My good luck that I am not!". She always had a strange satisfaction that he never fell for Mita, she secretely thought of him as her possession. She realised that he had not only touched her mind, but her heart as well. She wished she'd touched him too.
She took the mug and poured the water over her head. Did that over and over again till all the water got finished. She sat there for a while. Her body dried. It was not hot anymore. She never was. She started shivering a bit. It was cold. She was getting cold.
She was cold. She wrapped the towel around herself and latched the door again...
...wondering if anyone will ever be able to open it.
The water was warm enough, warm enough for her to take bath in the cold winter evening. The day was too busy, her shoulders were aching, eyes were sore and hands were tired beyond limits.She went inside the bathtub, there was no cork, there never was. She closed the tap, the bucket was full, the water was warm... no, it was hot. She untied her hair, and fixed her grip on the closed tap. She took head bath.
She was free now. Atleast for a few days. She had taken leave to attend her college friend, Mita's marriage. It was a long time since she'd met her, just a few mails... roughly twice in 4 months is all they exchanged in last 3 years. They'd been "best" of friends then, they'd been roommates, shared everything... joys, sorrows, jokes. They'd shared their world... Mita's world. She remembered how Mita had been back then, so lively, smart and pretty.
She had a way with words, could keep anyone engaged in a conversation for hours long, she could go on and on talking about anything. She was a very enthusiastic girl and used to laugh so very often, no wonder she had a huge fan following. When teased about it, she used to just say "Me and him? Its like a princess and a hippo!". For Mita, crushes were like flavours, you need to try as many as possible without getting addicted to any, and if you find yourself not getting bored of a particular taste, then, that's the flavour for you! She didnt like Mita's attitude, told her how many hearts she'd break with this funda of hers, but Mita always used to say "You take life too seriously, take off your glasses and clear your view, untie your hair and let it fly, break the barrier girl, what's with you and your cold nature? I sometimes wonder, if you fake that you dont have any feelings, or are you actually this cold to people!". She'd just laugh and say "Haha Mita, hasnt god given my share of warmth to you? As you say, Lite lo! We've got an assignment to submit, remember? Will get back to it now!". Mita would jump in her own bed and say "I'll copy your assignment tomorrow, am off to sleep, I guess you can only fall in love with your assignments, atleast take off your goddam grandma glasses, you look really horrible in them, get designer ones".
Designer ones... now she'd gotten rid of her grandma glasses, wore contact lenses now. Yes, she'd changed in these three years, as in, her looks, the way she interacted with people, her boosted professional attitude, but from the inside, she was still the same... as Mita put it... cold... not to herself... but cold... to people. Mita never discovered that. Nobody did. She just wasnt verbose enough when it came to her self.Mita's wedding, she wasnt very excited about it. Just that she got a break, it felt nice. There was no hurry. She decided to enjoy her bath. No hurry at all. She refilled her bucked with water. She sat cross-legged in her bathtub and dipped her hands and elbows in the water. Water was warm-hot.
It was burning her skin a little. Did she really mind? She actually felt nice, it was cold outside. Naah, not that cold, it was just the onset of winter. Not that cold. But she felt nice, her hands gradually became warmer. She kept staring at her hands, how funny they looked, once inside the water, waving, getting distorted by the water ripples, getting wrinkled... she felt her hands... her palms getting numb, they no longer felt warm. Equillibrium. Damn! She hated it. She hated it cuz she didnt understand it. She didnt understand why at all should there be uniformity. Should she be like Mita? Why? What is nature's problem if her hands stayed colder than the water here? Why cant it let it be? Was she angry? Angry at nature? No, she wasnt, infact, this wasnt even bothering her. Why did she always escape? Why didnt Mita try to dig her as hard as she did with Mita? Why was she so cold to people? Why, couldnt she open up to Mita? Mita was a good friend, who never laughed at anyone, she was not a sadist like others in her wing. Mita had tried to pull her out of herself, but had failed. That was because, she herself always had put the thought away, she always convinced herself that the person she wanted didnt exist.But he did. She felt her back getting cold. She pulled her elbows out of the water, crossed them over each other and placed her head over her right arm. Her face was cold. She touched her neck, it was colder. Or was it that her palms were warm? As if she cared. She placed her arms back in the water and dipped her head in the water. It was all translucent, she could barely see her palms. A few strands of hair fell in the water. She was getting breathless, so lifted her head and took a deep breath. A few locks of hair still remained in the water, she looked at them. How funny they looked. Once inside the water, they wouldnt stay together, but the same water glued them together outside. She saw how her hair "flew" in the water. She gently touched a few "flying" strands, they simply "flew" more. It was funny but amusing. She felt free. Is this what Mita meant? No. Mita didnt talk of this freedom, Mita didnt even know if this kind of a freedom existed. Or, did she? She didnt care now. She felt synonymous with the way her hair behaved in presence of water. She would free herself to herself once inside, she would fly when nobody's around, but outside, she'd stick back to one piece and be the predictable and productive one. She didnt want to think about him. Why should she? After 3 years, when she didnt even know where he was, what he was doing... she did want to think about him. He had touched her where nobody ever did and she wondered if anybody ever could. It had taken her quite a while to talk to him, to laugh with him, to actually like him, perhaps a whole year. Did that matter anyways? He had beautiful thoughts, beautiful stories to tell, nobody could ever touch and stimulate her mind like he did. Yes, she talked with him almost as much as she did with Mita, but there always was a barrier. She was always very controlled with him as well.
Sometimes she felt the strange tension developing between them, but then, she would just turn oblivious to it. Did he too? Did he like her? Maybe he did like her, and she did too, but like a true friend. Who was she kidding? The wait. Perhaps it was too long. He was a beautiful person, not with striking looks, as Mita used to comment when all three used to gen put lacha "I would've made you my boyfriend, if you looked better". He used to say "My good luck that I am not!". She always had a strange satisfaction that he never fell for Mita, she secretely thought of him as her possession. She realised that he had not only touched her mind, but her heart as well. She wished she'd touched him too.She took the mug and poured the water over her head. Did that over and over again till all the water got finished. She sat there for a while. Her body dried. It was not hot anymore. She never was. She started shivering a bit. It was cold. She was getting cold.
She was cold. She wrapped the towel around herself and latched the door again...
...wondering if anyone will ever be able to open it.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Duck
She used to go to the pond daily. Water was something that always awed her. The fragile ripples looked very beautiful, when that duck paddled its way through the water. It had been almost two months since she'd been going to the pond every afternoon and staying there till dusk. It used to take her nearly half an hour to cut through the woods and reach there. She enjoyed the solitude accompanying her walk. She felt at peace by the pond, after a hectic day at home, chopping vegetables, drying the clothes washed by mom, and all little chores that her little hands could handle. She loved her summer vacation, when she could come to her grandma's home, talk to her, listen to the stories of her childhood, count the number of wrinkles on her hand when she held her hand and gently patted it. She just loved the little village that was close to the woods. She loved the little rabbits prancing around and the playful monkeys jumping on the trees.
She loved animals, and no wonder she developed affection for the duck she daily used to observe. She liked to imagine it being a pretty swan floating on the water gracefully. Perhaps because she liked swans better or maybe because the story of "the ugly duckling" kept repeating in her head whenever she sat by the pond. She had this feeling that maybe this was not a duck after all, maybe with time this duckling will grow to be a gorgeous swan that she so loved to look at.
Today she came to the pond a little earlier than usual. She brought her dairy as well. She loved to write. She sat down on the trunk of the huge fallen tree that just touched the waters. She let her feet dip in the pond and slowly get spongy. She thought it was funny sight, the way the veins start showing when the feet were kept in water for a long time and appear like some water animal. She felt that maybe if she stayed in water for long, she might also become a water animal, like she had studied about whales being mammals who adapted themselves to the environment and survived. She felt that she wouldn't mind being a fish. And since this was a small pond, there would be no sharks to eat her. She thought that if she became a fish, she'd want to have the memories of her being a human being, so that she could make new fish friends and tell them her stories. But then, she thought that if she became a fish, she wont be able to meet her mom, for her mom wasn't as much a water lover as her. And anyways, there were fishermen in the village, what if she would be caught one day while telling the story of her grandmother being chased by a wild dog, when she was 8? She thought that she should meet the fishermen and tell them that they ruin fish families and ask them how they would feel if the same thing happened to them? She wrote that down in her diary. She felt a bit sad and walked to the drier part. Removed her bag off her shoulders and kept the diary back in. She felt like stretching out a bit. Lest should she fall asleep, she put an alarm in her watch, of 5:15pm. She put her head on her bag and gazed at the sky. She imagined her swan flying with its white wings spanning the wide sky. And when she'd grow up, she would come and visit this pond and would find her swan being followed by little ducklings. And when she'd further age, she'll bring her kids and show them these little ducklings transform into beautiful swans...
"Wake up!" She opened her eyes and it all felt blurry. Oh, it was 4:45. She smiled at the man who came a sat beside her. He sometimes used to come with a packet of bread to feed it to the fishes of the pond and share some with her. He was a writer and she loved to listen to his stories.
"I saw a swan today", she told him.
"Really? But its not the season chimp, birds from the north come during winters, its your summer vacation remember? Where did you see it?"
"Yeah! But you told me the ugly duckling story nah, look at the duck there, it'll become a swan, I know it will"
"Sure kid, so it means that you'll also become a rabbit cuz you resemble one!"
"Oh no, I am serious, if that ugly duckling can become a swan, why cant my duck become one too?"
"Its a beautiful thing to imagine, really amazing that you can think of such wonderful things rabbit, but imagine, how would you feel if you very badly wanted to have a chocolate that you thought was kept in the fridge but when you went there, it wasn't there?"
"Oh, I would kick my brother for having eaten it"
"What if he says that he didn't and tells you that you imagine way too much?"
"I'll probably cry and tell mom that he stole my chocolate"
"What if your mom says that she'll buy a chocolate tomorrow for you for she didn't bring any for a whole week?"
"But why would I talk of my chocolate if it wasn't there?"
"You saw a swan today right?"
"hmm..."
"The ugly duckling didn't look like a duck. That's the reason he was sad. Because he was the odd one out, this "oddness" pointed out by the others made him feel awkward about himself and he ran away. Here, what do you think about the beautiful duck swimming there? Do you want it to run away"
Trrrrriiiiiiiiiiiinnnn
"No, I don't want it to run away. Hey, its 5:15, my alarm rang. Let get going."
"Sure, but remember, If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck."
PS : "If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck" - Borrowed this old saying from people who've been using this as their sm!
She loved animals, and no wonder she developed affection for the duck she daily used to observe. She liked to imagine it being a pretty swan floating on the water gracefully. Perhaps because she liked swans better or maybe because the story of "the ugly duckling" kept repeating in her head whenever she sat by the pond. She had this feeling that maybe this was not a duck after all, maybe with time this duckling will grow to be a gorgeous swan that she so loved to look at.
Today she came to the pond a little earlier than usual. She brought her dairy as well. She loved to write. She sat down on the trunk of the huge fallen tree that just touched the waters. She let her feet dip in the pond and slowly get spongy. She thought it was funny sight, the way the veins start showing when the feet were kept in water for a long time and appear like some water animal. She felt that maybe if she stayed in water for long, she might also become a water animal, like she had studied about whales being mammals who adapted themselves to the environment and survived. She felt that she wouldn't mind being a fish. And since this was a small pond, there would be no sharks to eat her. She thought that if she became a fish, she'd want to have the memories of her being a human being, so that she could make new fish friends and tell them her stories. But then, she thought that if she became a fish, she wont be able to meet her mom, for her mom wasn't as much a water lover as her. And anyways, there were fishermen in the village, what if she would be caught one day while telling the story of her grandmother being chased by a wild dog, when she was 8? She thought that she should meet the fishermen and tell them that they ruin fish families and ask them how they would feel if the same thing happened to them? She wrote that down in her diary. She felt a bit sad and walked to the drier part. Removed her bag off her shoulders and kept the diary back in. She felt like stretching out a bit. Lest should she fall asleep, she put an alarm in her watch, of 5:15pm. She put her head on her bag and gazed at the sky. She imagined her swan flying with its white wings spanning the wide sky. And when she'd grow up, she would come and visit this pond and would find her swan being followed by little ducklings. And when she'd further age, she'll bring her kids and show them these little ducklings transform into beautiful swans...
"Wake up!" She opened her eyes and it all felt blurry. Oh, it was 4:45. She smiled at the man who came a sat beside her. He sometimes used to come with a packet of bread to feed it to the fishes of the pond and share some with her. He was a writer and she loved to listen to his stories.
"I saw a swan today", she told him.
"Really? But its not the season chimp, birds from the north come during winters, its your summer vacation remember? Where did you see it?"
"Yeah! But you told me the ugly duckling story nah, look at the duck there, it'll become a swan, I know it will"
"Sure kid, so it means that you'll also become a rabbit cuz you resemble one!"
"Oh no, I am serious, if that ugly duckling can become a swan, why cant my duck become one too?"
"Its a beautiful thing to imagine, really amazing that you can think of such wonderful things rabbit, but imagine, how would you feel if you very badly wanted to have a chocolate that you thought was kept in the fridge but when you went there, it wasn't there?"
"Oh, I would kick my brother for having eaten it"
"What if he says that he didn't and tells you that you imagine way too much?"
"I'll probably cry and tell mom that he stole my chocolate"
"What if your mom says that she'll buy a chocolate tomorrow for you for she didn't bring any for a whole week?"
"But why would I talk of my chocolate if it wasn't there?"
"You saw a swan today right?"
"hmm..."
"The ugly duckling didn't look like a duck. That's the reason he was sad. Because he was the odd one out, this "oddness" pointed out by the others made him feel awkward about himself and he ran away. Here, what do you think about the beautiful duck swimming there? Do you want it to run away"
Trrrrriiiiiiiiiiiinnnn
"No, I don't want it to run away. Hey, its 5:15, my alarm rang. Let get going."
"Sure, but remember, If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck."
PS : "If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck" - Borrowed this old saying from people who've been using this as their sm!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Death
Things just didn't seem to make sense anymore. Wherever he turned his head, he saw so many people but rarely anyone with a different face. Everyone seemed to be wearing the mask designed by a popular company called "Humanity - we are one". And the masks manufactured were of same design and color. Whenever he felt like removing his, he was told that its not to be removed, for if he did, he wont be able to survive in this world. He wanted to scream "What's the point of survival, if every single moment I want see the world through my own eyes, and not through this mask? Is that what my life is meant for? Mere survival?". But he never screamed. This mask was always there to rescale the decibel level back to the range specified by the company.
He was tempted many times, to throw off the mask. In fact, he wanted to see what death was like. What was so scary about it. He had seen people die. He knew that once they died, they never lived again. His friend had cried when his grandma had died. He saw many crying faces. He saw the faces then. But at that time nobody said anything when the mask was removed. Not a thing.
The memory came back to him. He brought his hand to this mask and felt it. He almost removed it when he felt a strange kind of fear grip him. This mask had given him fair amount of joys, friends, love, care, and what not. What if "non - survival" was too painful? What if he wanted to wear it again, and it refused stick back? What if he also wanted to live like he lived before but just couldn't? What if he died? Are these things being spoken by him or the mask? He didn't care, for he was scared. He decided not to remove the mask.
He heard the mask whisper to him: "Wise choice".
He was tempted many times, to throw off the mask. In fact, he wanted to see what death was like. What was so scary about it. He had seen people die. He knew that once they died, they never lived again. His friend had cried when his grandma had died. He saw many crying faces. He saw the faces then. But at that time nobody said anything when the mask was removed. Not a thing.
The memory came back to him. He brought his hand to this mask and felt it. He almost removed it when he felt a strange kind of fear grip him. This mask had given him fair amount of joys, friends, love, care, and what not. What if "non - survival" was too painful? What if he wanted to wear it again, and it refused stick back? What if he also wanted to live like he lived before but just couldn't? What if he died? Are these things being spoken by him or the mask? He didn't care, for he was scared. He decided not to remove the mask.
He heard the mask whisper to him: "Wise choice".
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Sparsh
Mujhe bhi andhaa ban na hai
Sparsh (the touch)
A beautiful story of love, ego, consuming insecurities, misunderstood intentions, relationships... its the story of an institution for the blind and the lives glued to it.
Sparsh, one simple caring touch, can so beautifully change one's life and the whole perception of it, enlightening the world around, simply by adding warmth and care to the relationships.
Kavita (recently widowed) and Anirudh (principal of the special school) both dwell in their own world of darkness, one by closing herself to the world and drowning herself in the misery of her lost one, and another, who though very self-reliant and independent, by being consumed in self pity. Anirudh is very much drawn to Kavita, but his ego and his doubts don't let him see the love (which he mistakes to be pity) she develops for him as time moves on. It takes both of them a while to discover each other (and themselves) finally helping themselves step out of darkness and restarting their lives in a new light.
Little stories (touching upon "friendship") that revolve around this main line also have a major say in the story. In the middle of the movie, the relationship between two kids (friends actually, one of whom is "normal") slowly gets strained because of the advantages (extra care and love) that come with impairment. This is when the "normal" little kid says "main bhi andhaa ban na chahta hoon", when he feels that his is friend getting more attention and is being taken care of more, by Kavita aunty/ma'am (who he adores) and him being neglected. The word "normal" really loses its meaning. Even though this little guy has sight, he is ready to let go of that to be a part of that school, to be treated as one of those kids, to be loved and given attention to, by Kavita aunty. He just doesnt want to be an "outsider". Kavita also faces such situations where she is given an impression (by Anirudh) of being an "outsider" who couldnt understand the problems "they" undergo. Friendship again intrudes. Its this friendship between Kavita and her friend Manju, that ultimately helps Anirudh to forget that she is an "outsider", realise that he is loved for what he is, and to get back to his love.
A beauiful movie, must watch.
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