Feels strange

Psentisem over (well almost!) and it wasn't until 2 days back that I really felt very strange (after reading what my friends wrote for me in my diary). The feeling of never having to attend classes in 3245, or the discussions with nuee, cycle rides and walks with her, sac-c time with hema, gen puting lacha in the astro room with her (though hardly ever cared to use the telescope)... perhaps the feeling of never again experiencing all that again contributed to that strange feeling. Strange... so feeling psenti? Don't I always, when comes the end?
For me, my third year forms a huge chunk of my BITSian life, maybe cuz that's when I enjoyed the courses (yes! which hardly ever happened in the first 2 years), met people who gave me a chance to develop admiration for them, talk to them, and have fun with them. The first four semesters really are a faded memory, something perhaps worth forgetting, for I did nothing. Not that I did something in my 3rd year, but sure enjoyed whatever happened in that period.
Not that I am being pensive for having to let go of the past three years, just that the memories now bring a smile to my face. As much as I anticipate that I'll miss this place, the enthu of going faaar faaar away and getting new experiences, is equal in intensity, or maybe more.

A feeling mixing smiles of the past with apprehension of the future, sorrows of the past with joys of the future, lessons leart from the history with those to be learnt in the future.

Feels strange.

Astonishing...

Yeah! it really is..

I have a very strange habit of sticking to computer excessively during the time of comprees, browsing through net, downloading music and ebooks, reading articles on people or science or cartoon strips or blogs.. wait! blogs!

Oh god! I love reading blogs.. maybe because, they tell you how actually a person is from inside. It exposes you to his/her world. The blogs which one writes, for the self, what the self feels at that point of time (or maybe at some other point of time) cant be false? Can they be? Well, i so hope the answer is NO, of course its not totally true which is a sad thing.

There are some blogs which have tons and tons of jokes and funny anecdotes/ stories.. some blogs which are like online diaries.. some studded with philosophical/analytical stuffs.. but all tell something about the person the particular blog is connected with.

Well, the thing which i noticed, is that, though different blogs seem different for each person, i can picture myself in their places. Okay, maybe our point of view may not be much in agreement, but the thing is that, they might make me wonder.. "yep, why is this also not possible?".

But now, what is even more astonishing is that..

Just read a post in a blog, which is a replica of the thoughts which i had in my mind (well, that'd be a few days back.. its there in my comp, but dint publish it, for the fear of seeming strange.. can this blog anyway get any stranger?), making me wonder, wow maybe i am not all that different.. maybe i am also like many other people in this world, who have exactly the same thinking!

Anyways, that post is still astounding me to a great great extent! So better start Qmech now.

Still astonished..

Shruti

7th dec 2006: Wrote this post then, 9 months back! Why publishing now? Ah gen, feel like. Been reading my unpublished posts on blogspot, and trying to recall why i didn't post them. But, i cant remember the reasons now! And btw, which and who's post had astonished me? I don't remember!

Shruti

Existence

Another old post dated 2/7/07
Though the difference between then and now is i am not a 100% believer of that anymore. Old times have changed to new times and the percentage is seen to have undergone a lot of reduction in its value!

There is no word called 'Love'; there exist no Angels; want of 'Freedom' is chained by the 'want'; Shadows are, but real; to Hope, is to sweep the 'dust' under the carpet.. but the 'dust' still remains; And, I continue to exist.. like an Alien. (Do Aliens exist?)

Choose a Choice

12/18/06

Oh God! I was browsing through my drafts [unpublished posts] and stumbled upon this post. I dont remember why i hadnt posted that. It was written on 12/18/06. I dont know why I lost that thing in me - thinking till i get exhausted. I dont know why I am so satisfied these days. I dont know why I feel that I've changed again. I dont know why I want live and love life. I just dont know why I am so happy. I dont know why, now i dont even want to know the reason. I have changed, and am happy!

There is always a never-ending itching feeling persisting in my self. whenever i think of anything, anything at all, the whole thinking business leaves me unsatisfied.. because, in the end, everything seems meaningless and unfathomable. (Maybe i'm a bad thinker! because thinking about this also leaves me inconclusive in the end :)).

Yeah, I exist and am Alive.. So what? Is it that big a deal? Can existence of 'some'thing or 'no'thing have this big a value? Why? Why is it important to feel the meaning of these words - "I Exist"? Doesnt it give rise to self importance? doesnt it kill the goodness in us? Because, (say) if i am in a sinking ship (poseidon!), i'll be more worried to save 'my' self more than anything else.

Love, hate, care, selfishness, altruism, joy, hurt...
maybe all these words cant really be differentiated.. maybe they are just dummy words used to strenghten the existence of these two words - "I Exist". Example: Love cant exist if there is no "I", and same goes for any other feeling. If "I" dont exist, then how will i know that 'love' exists or any other feeling for that matter?

All seem so justifiable and non-justifiable at the same time. Its all so confusing.

Yeah, I exist and am Alive.. So what? Is it that big a deal?
I exist because I was born (Its silly but is it false?). There many things and creatures that could have been born, but since they havnt taken birth, they dont exist. Its all in my hands to make my life big or small. There is always a choice. And if I dont make a choice, time will make it for me, because time doesnt wait for decisions to be made, it simply goes on and on. Its all about choice. The choice being: Having life is a big thing v/s many living things are also alive, so life is not a big deal. I choose the first choice.

Can existence of 'some'thing or 'no'thing have this big a value?
For me YES. Because even a small thing can influence our thinking and make us take decisions that we wouldnt have taken if they dint exist. Like, if in this world, pens hadnt been discovered, then I would have still used a pencil in the place of a pen (what a silly example!) But now again there a choice. The choice being: Everything has its own importance v/s Hunh? Value? Whats that?!

Why? Why is it important to feel the meaning of these words - "I Exist"?
The very fact that we exist is the reason why the meaning of these words - "I Exist" gain importance. Because, Life is a beautiful thing that happened to us. Yes, it is confusing sometimes, haunting sometimes, painful sometimes.. But still it is also fun, joy, happiness, love.. most of the times. Isnt existing a beautiful thing? I think it is. But now again there a choice...

But doesnt it give rise to self importance? doesnt it kill the goodness in us? Because, (say) if i am in a sinking ship (poseidon!), i'll be more worried to save 'my' self more than anything else.
Oh yes, It does give rise to self importance and no it doesnt kill goodness in us. Altruism takes birth when we place ourselves in the place of the person for whom we were going to do some 'good'. So when i am in a sinking ship, i cant place another drowning person in my place, because i am also already drowning! So since i already am in that position, i try to save 'My' self than anything else!

Maybe nothing is really wrong. Everything that is labelled 'wrong' has a justifiable reason behind it being NOT wrong, its simply pure statistics that goes against the justifiable reason, i.e, majority of the people are reluctant to accept that reason, and hence it becomes 'wrong'.

Oh great! So if i Steal, then i am doing no wrong?
YES! When i am stealing, i am stealing because either
- I am in dire need for it, and have no money to buy it.
- I have the money, but hell.. why should i waste my money when i can steal it!
- She stole that from me, she should know how if feels to lose something (revenge hunh?).
- Dont blame me.. i am kleptomaniac, so it is justified if i gen 'pick' up things!

Hey not bad! so i can go ahead and steal! right?
NO! What about the person from whom you stole?
- She must have worked so hard to get it.
- She must have been so happy to gain it and losing it may pain her.
- Oh! it was a gift from a person i value the most. How can anyone steal it? (sob)
- God! It was so expensive. It was my bro's and he's gonna kill me!

Wait! Then what am i supposed to do? Should I be self-oriented and go for the 'YES' or should I be good and go for the 'NO'? There is always a choice, and I choose the 'NO'. I choose this choice not because i'm good, but because i know how it feels to lose things.

There is always and always a choice. And a little part of life is to make a choice (own or forced) and live it till its existence is significant.

--Shruti

This is where I long to be...

Oh! This song "La isla bonita" always takes me back to Goa.

What a place! Its really so hard to not fall in love with goa.
"Japanese Gardens"! What a beach.. Can i ever forget that rock where i sat, watching the sun touch the horizon, the blue waters glistering in the evening sky? Can i ever see nething as beautiful as the waves hitting the rocks.. turning into foam and dissolving into oblivion? Can i ever forget the feeling of the wet sand sinking under my feet and the waves washing away the remnants of the impressions created? Can i ever forget the ride we took to reach there (Only myself and disha were there in the whole bus, along with another passenger who helped us with the directions)? Can I ever forget the cool breeze moistening our enthu, never lettin it go dry? Can i ever forget, the same cool breeze splashing itself on our faces, making us feel the power of nature?

"Sinquerim Beach"! Oh.. What a place.. Can I ever forget the muddy path leading to the fort, onlooking the sea? Can i ever forget the powerful wind reorienting our hair and flapping against my skirt? Can i ever forget the wet splashes of salty water making us smile and infusing enthu in us? Can i ever forget that lovely foreigner couple (who seemed pretty old agewise) enjoying the view of the sea? Can i ever forget the wild dance of the waves over the huge rocks.. jumping high.. creating a foamy pool in the rocky voids and yet again retreating back into the sea? Can i ever forget the music of the roaring sea, so very much crisp and fresh?

Can i ever.. ever in my life, forget the whole 2 months experience?

During those two months, We: myself and disha, went to Mumbai for 2 days, just to break the monotony that was born out of a predetermined routine. The bus took off at around 6 pm. It was a 14 hrs bus journey. but wow! what a journey! It was almost night when the bus bid adieu to goa, so it was pointless seeing outside as everything was pitch-dark. And now.. here comes my insomniac tendency! I woke up at 5 am, disha was sleeping, and wow! It felt like heaven! It had rained the previous night and so everything was looking so fresh and green. oh wow! Oh god! It was soo beautiful outside. Dint feel like taking my eyes off this abundance of beauty. The bus reached 'navi mumbai' at around 6 am. Our destination was 'Malabar Hills' (I dont know where it is, apart from this info: Its somewhere in/close to Central Mumbai). Rakshit, Disha's brother came to pick us up. The place where we were staying (in disha's mama's house) was sea facing and it was sooo pretty! We got a full view of the beautiful Arabian sea out through the window of the room, which we (Disha n me) were given.

There was a big chest like thing placed by that window, which became my favorite spot for full 1 night and the succeeding morning. It felt soo great starin at the sea for hours long.. thinkin nothing and staring at the sea. It was a real beauty..
Again woke up at around 5 in the morning and sat on that chest. There was this delta shaped rock which made the breaking waves take different directions when they came close to it. It was so great to see the waves coming from different directions yet eventually merging into a single entity and goin back to the sea. Slowly the dawn broke into mumbai and disha woke up. "Tum bahar kya dekhti rehti ho?". I wish *------* It was around 7 am or 8 am and that delta shaped rock had completely disappered into the sea, as if it never existed! The water level had risen and I got up to take bath...

Mumbai! Night never manages to creep in even at night. Its such a lively bustling place! Even at 11 pm (after our visit to an ex-BITS phy. prof's home in mumbai), the night dint seem to set in. Light drizzle had started to set in, at the bus stop and Rakshit told us to look above at the sky. Wow! The tiny droplets looked soo pretty when they made way to land on our faces. It was the prettiest thing (apart from sea viewing) that i experienced all through the stay in mumbai...

* I guess, its high time that I start studying for OT now! Enough of swimming in the past! :)

EDIT: I think that i kind of like this font better.

--Shruti