Prabhu... You are my god

My sweetest heart,
I have mailed you zillions of times telling you how you make me feel. And that feeling is bliss, pure bliss... the feeling of having supreme satisfaction with no desires at all when you are with me. Prabhu, I love you a lot. I love you so much that words can never express and my actions will always fall short of depicting what you make me feel for you.
You are a great human being. I have met very few people in my life  who are as great, compassionate and lovely like you. You hold so much love and care, within yourself for everyone that I am astonished to the core. You have a very big heart which can give so much without expecting anything in return. I wish you could see from my eyes, the joy you spread to the people around you. Everyone around you craves to have a portion of your time, because you are simply so superb.... funny, witty, extremely respectful, full of love and care, and not at all sarcastic and very intelligent too... Wow, i dont think anyone i now can compare to you darling. You are the biggest gift that I could ever imagine of getting.

I love the closeness you share with your family... Wow, its amazing ! Everyone loves you there and looks up to you yaar. Wow, you are really an amazing person, and i am so lucky to know you and luclier still to have you as my better half. I am scared though yaar, that I may not be able to fit properly yaar... I feel I am so dumb, stupid and not-so-loving-caring when compared to you... and i am scared that i might hurt you for not being perfect. I know you dont feel like that, but hope you are right... i wanna do anything hat would make you happy... anything prabhu...

People say they believe in God... the supreme power which guides them, and on whom people have unquestioning faith, someone who loves people unconditionally... for me the god is you Prabhu... really you are my god, you are my everything. My life now is all yours.

I love you   

Checklist

I wish i had met you earlier
With strongest of emotions, it would have been lovelier
I wish the checklist was only one-liner
But with multiple ticks on it, to make it empasizingly clear...

 

An unposted letter

 Hi,

Its been so long since we talked. I so very much hope you are doing well. I wish i could express the pride that i have within me, to have known you. You are a very nice and great person. I guess your Ph.D. must be on the verge of completion (or must be past the thesis submission process). I so very badly wish that you get Post Doctoral Fellowship wherever your heart desires, cuz you deserve it.

I am really sorry for the following paragraphs, its the outburst of repressed feelings that i am currently feeling. Thank god that this blog is private, and this letter would never make it to you.

I am so sorry. I wish broken hearts could be mended. I've been so cruel to you. Your words, your dreams keep crashing on my mind. Our future together that you have been dreaming for, right since past 3 years... god... the time is now, when those dreams should have come true, had i not mercilessly stomped on them. I feel guilty time-heart-libra... very guilty. The reason is, now i feel its all my fault. That you were so very much, so madly, deeply and too much in love with me, and i did not understand it. Did not value it. Took everything that you said and done in a negative fashion. I am so sorry. I somewhat feel your pain, cuz now i can understand it completely, cuz now i am in love too. Why was I not like this with you. You always did so much for me. Why was i never able to love you the way you loved me. I am so bad. I've always hurt you so badly, always, and blamed you saying that you are so possessive. Never understood that you just wanted me to think that you were the only one special, like you made me feel. You always made me feel so special, the look... was so enough... I am unable tro forget that... I guess i never gave you that... i am soooo sorry...  This time must be so difficult, for me it is. It is the time, when ours lives would have taken a new course and would have been one.

All those memories, I dont know why, keep coming... all the places, your loving words, your crazy facial expressions, all of your shayari, the deep-mad-love in your eyes, your increasing desire to be with me... Me being in Pune is making it all the more difficult. The future we thought we would have, I am unable to forget. The telugu songs whose meanings you explained to me (am unale to listen), the hindi songs that i explained to you, your voice while you sang them... all of your gifts (am unable to keep, nor return, nor discard)...  Our laya (daughter's name, can never hear this word again, makes me all weepy), oh god... I wish my mind erases everything related to you, but i somehow i dont want to lose those memories. they are so beautiful. I guess if this phase passes, it will all be alright. I very badly want you to never ever forgive me. I did so wrong to you. I dont think anyone would have fought to bring me back into their lives, the way you did. the way you left everything, wearing "that" kurta (inspite of the fact that you hate kurtas)... how were you able to do that yaar? I am unable to forget your words pleading me to come back. The look in your eyes pleading me so badly to be back as if you are dying, those tears... What should i do... please tell me....

If this time of our lives, is affecting me this much, am worried how much it would be affecting you. I so very badly hope that it is not affecting you yaar. Its the most important phase of your life.

I am so sorry.... i wish you do extremely well in your life. You are sooo very talented. I am gonna be a part of some social work. Do you remember, we used to discuss that we will go to your village, and motivate the little kids for pursuing education, giving your example? i wish i can acheive that here... I went to a ngo recently... there was a kid named Krishna tooo... I wish one day he becomes as great as you. May god bless you both.

With best wishes,
A well wisher

Lace

My unconditional love for you, is my only solace...
As your loving heart can only replace...
the guilt of mercilessly pushing a loving heart into a fireplace...
otherwise a noose round my neck offers to be an attractive necklace...

Nine...

the number of months taken for a new beautiful life to blossom
the exact number of months, since i killed life in myself, leaving you lonesome....
 

Writer

They say I write good...
How can I if you were not there to inspire?

Sonali Bendre

.... reminds me so much of you
am i still holding past things and turning blue?
why cant i let go and be free like i earlier flew?